Let’s Talk About Sex

Popular culture and television would lead one to believe that having “the talk” with your children is an extremely cringe worthy and relationship defining moment in a parent and child’s life.  They also depict sex ed as a fun and embarrassing class where people get to practice putting various forms of sexual protection on oddly shaped fruit. For those of you who don’t understand my coyish reference, I mean condoms and bananas.  Growing up, these moments seemed almost like a right of passage and truthfully, I was looking forward to them.  This of course means that NEITHER HAPPENED and yet I’m not pregnant…odd.

I think my parents never made a big to-do about talking to me about sex because throughout the years, my brother and I both slowly collected enough information to understand for ourselves. My first clue came from when my parents would shut their bedroom door and lock it.  I remember my brother and I pounding on the door saying things like “open up, it’s the police,” “you have a special flower delivery,” or “there’s a fire!” Looking back, there’s no wonder why I never got a baby brother or sister.  The next clue came when my mom taught me the medical terminology for lady parts.  I distinctly recall telling my friend about this at recess like it was the new hottest gossip.  Apparently, she also found this information juicy and spilt the tea to my other classmates. I know this because another girlfriend asked me if my mom had taught me any other words besides “VIOLEN.” It was like dirtiest turned cutest game of telephone ever! Either way, over time I got the big picture but that didn’t mean I didn’t want the chance to nervously giggle when I learned about sex and periods at school.

I remember walking home with my brother after he had the life altering sexual education day. He was in fifth grade and I was in third and I remember thinking that he was a changed man.  He showed me the condoms that he had been given. He also showed me this magnet that you set in the bathtub which would show you if the water was too hot. How this was connected, I unfortunately will never know. He did let me use the magnet though and I learned that I was apparently burning myself in the bath so there’s that.  At the end of my fourth grade year, my family moved and I started at a new school for fifth grade.  Not long after starting there, I was told by my new best friends of one week that they had the sex ed class in FOURTH grade!!! This means that I completely MISSED it! I also missed learning the state capitals but that was and is still of much less concern.

If you believe all that the media tells you, hearing this story would make you believe that I was on a straight path to earning fame on the popular tv show 16 and Pregnant.  However, it looks more like my trajectory is heading towards 30 and Worried About Decreasing Fertility. So what has all this taught me? That kids are smart, they will figure out much of the world for themselves. They don’t need a LifeTime movie worthy talk about the birds and the bees (though I don’t understand that reference and refuse to google it.) If you want your kid to be perfectly alright, maybe teach them a few anatomy words. Maybe set your kids in front of an episode of SouthPark or New Girl and let them figure it out for themselves. Maybe have the talk or don’t, either way I don’t think it really matters except that one day they will be writing a blog about how you never had that talk with them…






P.s. I considered titling this blog as “The Birds and the Dees” but that felt immature. I semi regret it. I’ll just leave that pun here so that ya’ll know I’m very clever but also very mature.

Keeping Up With The Carbashians

Despite the current sensitivities of today’s society, I have found that people feel VEERRRYYY comfortable commenting on my weight. A typical conversation goes something like this:

Random Stranger: “Girl, you are so skinny! You must have good genes.”

Me: “Yeah, I think these are from Gap.”

I think that I respond this way because in a past life, I was a 40-year-old father who loved the functionality of cargo shorts. But really, people want to know what my “secret” is and today you are in luck! I have found throughout my life that the easiest way to maintain a relatively normal physique is…TO BE DIRT POOR!

I know what you are thinking Stacey, “iT’s AcTuAlLy ChEaPeR tO bUy FaSt-FoOd VeRsUs HeAlThIeR fOoD oPtIoNs FrOm ThE gRoCeRy StOrE.”  If that’s how your mind works, then you aren’t poor enough. Let me enlighten you with a little tale from my childhood…

When I was about 7ish, my mom took me and my brother to run errands in Memphis all day.  It was approaching dinner time and we were famished!  While a “normal” family would have stopped somewhere like Chik-Fil-A, the poors go to McDonalds or Taco Bell (my favorite). Unfortunately for me and my brother, our mom did not have any money. I mean literally zero dollars and zero cents in her wallet/cup holder. So, being the resourceful woman that she was (is) she made us get out of the car so that we could look under all the seats and mats and on the ground in the parking lot. By the grace of God, we were able to scrounge up about 95 cents.  We felt like champions!!! With this new windfall, we were able to buy one bean burrito and a cup of water to split between us three and let me tell you, I have never had a better bite of any food since.

So how has this impacted my life nowadays? Well now that I have a normal income, I always allow myself TWO Taco Bell items (off the dollar menu of course.) But seriously, the best lesson here was probably missed by most readers. If you want to raise a perfectly alright child and help them establish good eating habits for the rest of their lives, make them order water! Water is free and actually really really good for you! Who knew?!?!




The Gays

Since this is my first blog post, I decided that I better start with the neutral topic of homosexuality as to not ruffle any feathers.  Now, let me first say that I am not and have never been homosexual, but I did kiss a girl once (twice) so I feel like I get a pass to speak freely about this.

I remember sitting in the car as a 5 or 6 year old in the Taco Bell drive-thru line pondering all of life’s greatest questions when a momentous idea came to me.  Why don’t my parents’ single friends, Rachel and Stephen, get married?!? Rachel, Stephen, and my parents were constantly together and there seemed to be no better friends than the four of them. I quickly submitted this question to my parents and their response is what shaped my views of homosexuality and has helped me become the perfectly alright person that I am today.

Dad (with little to no hesitation): “Because Stephen is gay.”

Me: “What?”

Mom: “He likes BOYS, not girls.”

Me: “Oh, ok.”

And… that was it. There was no fanfare, they didn’t sit me down to talk about social politics, and they didn’t even miss a beat in ordering our delicious and nutritious meal.  The only thing that this changed was that I suddenly felt as though it would be appropriate to start referring to him as Gay Uncle Stephen, which never seemed to offend him.

So how has this shaped my views on homosexuality nowadays?  Well, to me that question is equivalent to asking “how to do you feel about pyramids?” or “how do you feel about Italians?”  Homosexuality is just an adjective to me, like pointing out that someone is a brunette or ugly. Would I go to a pride rally? Sure, I guess, but I would also go to a rally for ice cream, so I’m not sure what that says about my character besides the fact that I like most ice creams and most homosexual people I have met. Most importantly, God is better than me in every single way and I’m self-aware enough to know that I have zero room to judge anyone.  A preacher at my local church recently said “don’t use the law of God to hurt the people that God loves.” Plus, I’m very busy trying to figure out what sins I have committed in the past hour and asking God to pretty pretty please forgive me…with sugar on top.

Overall, if you want your child to be perfectly alright, give them a taco, don’t make a pervy joke about said taco, and tell them what the word gay means. That’s it. Pretty simple, eh?

Bonus story: Gay Uncle Stephen used to wear leather jackets frequently and when I asked my dad about this, he said “all gay men wear leather.” As an adult, I don’t feel comfortable disputing this statement.